Sitting in the autorickshaw, with rain seeping in through every open corner, horns blaring in the background, impatient heads swinging angrily from side to side, sad faces, cursing and swearing.. Certainly not the most conducive setting for deep reflections, but there I was lost somewhere far away. Often I find, when the cacaphony of sounds reaches a crescendo, like in situations like these, my mind switches to a meditative state (do not attempt while driving. This state is enacted only be lucky ones traveling in public transport). Any countless number of times, I have walked in thick of traffic on Delhi roads to exercise my limbs and I do not find it the least bit disturbing.
..Getting back to the auto…I found myself drifting..’It’ had caught up with me again. These days I can’t seem to escape my own being. It follows me like a shadow, appears in the most unlikely places and the most ungodly hours and forces me to think…who am I really? Who is the person in this flesh and bones? How does she feel? What makes her truly happy, and what makes her sink? Where does she want to go? What do she want to do? Who is she?
Sometimes I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror, when I am not looking too hard. She is beautiful; if not pretty. She is vulnerable; and yet she is strong. She lies, she cries and then she smiles. Often she is close, but just now, really far…When she springs out of the shadows, I am still alone but never lonely.
How did I not notice her in so many years gone by? Why did I never turn to her, when I needed sound advice? When did it happen, that we drifted so far apart? That she was my best friend, my soulmate and my very own shining star. Quietly one day I slipped away, alone and never looked back. Years passed and slowly I forgot even the sound of her voice. Who ever turns to see when you are riding the highest waves, summiting your own Everests, discovering your own genius
…until one day..When you can hide no more; you can lie no more. Everyone is gone; everything is done. The dead end stares back hard and unflinching and in the depths of all that, you are forced to turn; forced to take shelter; forced to find existence.
And that’s when she found me, huddled in the corner of a dark room, clutching knees to my chest, head bent, hair falling softly on my shoulder, maybe I was breathing, maybe breath was finding its way to me..
Whatever it was, something changed, something still is changing.