I stood muted, quietly in a corner. She doesn’t notice me. There is too much going on with her. The last few days have been a daze and I have watched her as she moved, numbed, from one thing to another, without a single thought. Now there was no hiding, reality had to be confronted. We have known each other, it seems always and never before have I seen her the way I see now. It’s almost like not knowing her.
She is sitting surrounded by her belongings, slowly lifting each item before packing them away. She stares only long enough to evoke memories from the past but not long enough for it to overwhelm her. Fatigue and exhaustion clearly visible on her face, pools of black look blankly into space. A deep sadness, the kind that comes from losing your being envelopes her. Sometimes within all this, she smiles and laughs. Her visions give her hope. A few words rekindle the lost fire. But almost as suddenly, she finds herself drowning, sinking in a black hole which has no end. What is real and what is an illusion. The fine lines are all too blurred to make any sense. She is out of breath, almost choking and willing to be taken. But even that is not her destiny. Nothing is in her hands; she is only a spectator following in the lines of where her life takes her.
I can only imagine what it must be like for her, watching from the fence. I knew what this meant to her. She had given her everything; had chosen to swim with complete faith and surrender, believing that in complete surrender there is joy. She had found wings she never knew existed below her folds. Believing herself to be on a grand joyride, she had lived with abandon, almost revering the space she was given entry to. She thought she had it all, had found that grandest, purest of all loves that goes beyond human dimensions. This is what she had wanted. Now it was all lost and the tragedy is not in what she lost, but what she will continue to lose living in an illusion crafted world.
The truth, the love she seeks was always with her, if she only chose to look in the mirror. It is the only real, liberating love that has the power to set us free. To have found yourself before you find another self; then nothing else matters. It means not that there is only space for my own self, but that there is first recognition and love for myself and then there is everything else. It is the ability to be comfortable in one’s own skin; to be able to happily live with oneself and recognize that there is no loneliness when there is the real you. And this gift is for all of us to have, if we only seek it.
I murmured a silent prayer, not wishing to draw her attention, that she discovers this truth for herself. I knew this was more or less our last goodbye. There was no remorse, no sorrow and no regret within me. There is much to her that is integral to me and that shall always stay, but it was time to take our journeys. Sometime, somewhere in life our paths were sure to cross, but those crossroads were far.
Goodbye, my dearest friend.