My mind resists, holding on at the tethers, cajoling me to not let go. Surrender is not a state it likes being in. I understand its apprehensions and I know where they come from. I have had many confrontations and subsequent head on battles with my mind. I thought of it as an enemy, working against me and out of my control. It turned out to be stronger than I imagined and it took all my physical and mental energy to get through the day. Later, I realised the Gandhian way. What could be won over with love , did not need daggers drawn. I befriended my mind, acknowledged its power and all the good things it allowed me to do. I thanked god every day for an active mind that got me through adverse times. Slowly it began to work and we became good friends. It no longer chattered endlessly and heard me when I had a point to make.
A long time has passed since then and admittedly, we still battle at times. Today, a very dear friend coaxed me into some meditation, something I have been wanting to practice for very long. For the entire 30 minutes of it, one thought kept coming back and stayed with me. It blocked the path of release and though I was visibly physically relaxed, my mind was edgy. To me, what has seemed to work is a form of meditation that would allow me to transcend the conscious and tap into the subconscious. I am sure all of meditation does that and I may not find what I am looking. Maybe the meditation is deep within my mind and I am not being able to tap into it.Maybe I am not ready to be vulnerable yet.